The results of this year’s GCSE examinations are expected to be accompanied by an unprecedented growth in the amount of irrelevant analysis about them. The volume of pointless statistics is likely to be up by at least 6% overall on last year, with those regarding A* to C grades showing an increase of over 8%. There could be a fall of around 4% in the figures regarding lower grades but that will probably be attributed to a lack of interest in what the thick kids got.
As usual, English Language and Mathematics results will be analysed the most. The forecast is that 96% of all published statistics will containing something insignificant about the subjects that all pupils are now forced to sit repeatedly until they pass or leave school, irrespective of their ability.
At the other end of the scale, analysis of grades achieved in Modern Foreign Languages is anticipated to feature in just 64% of studies, a statistic that will also be linked to Brexit for no discernible reason.
It is possible that the gender gap will increase, with up to 68% of statistics generated by male analysts this year, compared to just 63.5% in 2014. The result of this study in particular will be considered by 98% of readers to be of no significance whatsoever.
Schools Minister Nick Gibb welcomed the potential increase in statistics, claiming that Government policy ensures that the upward trend is sustainable for the foreseeable future.
‘We are confident that the changes to GCSE grading schemes introduced this year for Maths and English and being phased in over the next few years in other subjects will lead to an even greater rise in confusing and meaningless GCSE statistics,’ he said. ‘What other explanation could there possibly be for replacing grades A* to E with grades 1 to 9 where Grade 1 is the lowest?’